why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
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