i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
