there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
