I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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