I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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