Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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