FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
