Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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