I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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