U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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