I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
As shirtless as possible
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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