Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
