i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
