the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
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It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
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Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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