I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
