Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
