I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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