The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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