is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
