he told me I talked like a deaf person
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
