I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I need to stop coming to work sober
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
