are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
