that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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