I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
