Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
