I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
