I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize