remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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