just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
