my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
