dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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