she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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