I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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