Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
i would punch a child for taco bell
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
