Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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