conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
