haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
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For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize