I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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