im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Dicks are not precious.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
