I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Naked Twister starts at high noon
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
