Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
