Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
