A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
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