Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I am mentally ready for anal.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
