I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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