Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Randomize
