I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
