I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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