it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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