she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
