Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
