i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
