I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
i need some magic done to my vagina
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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