I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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