imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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