At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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