Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
