I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
